Something you have organised has gone extremely well. Everybody is pleased. Maybe they even congratulate you, thank you or tell you that you did a brilliant job.

Yet, somehow, your mind finds the one thing that could have been better. You remember the question you could have answered differently. The sentence you should have changed. The moment when you hesitated. The tiny mistake that nobody else seems particularly concerned about. The compliments are nice, but the mistake stays with you. Perfectionism can be strange like that. It doesn’t necessarily mean believing that you are perfect. Quite often, it means being acutely aware of all the ways in which you believe you are falling short.

There is nothing wrong with having high standards. Caring about the quality of your work can be one of the reasons you are good at what you do. But there is a difference between wanting to do something well and feeling that anything less than excellent says something about who you are.

When good enough never feels good enough

Perfectionism at work can be difficult to recognise because, from the outside, some of its effects can look positive. You prepare thoroughly. You notice details. You work hard. People know they can rely on you. Perhaps those qualities have helped you succeed. However, they can come at a cost. You might spend far longer on something than it really requires because you can always see another improvement to make. You might find delegating difficult because trusting somebody else means accepting that they may not do things exactly as you would. You may put something off because you don’t yet feel able to do it as well as you think you should and mistakes can feel disproportionately painful. It isn’t simply, “I got that wrong.” Somewhere inside, it can begin to feel more like, “So perhaps I’m not as good as people think I am.” That is an exhausting standard to live with.

When success brings relief rather than pleasure

One of the cruellest things about perfectionism is that even success may not feel particularly satisfying. You finish the presentation. Win the case. Complete the project. Get the promotion. Receive the praise. For a moment, perhaps you feel relieved.

Then the goalposts move. There is another challenge, another expectation or another opportunity to prove yourself. You may barely have allowed yourself to enjoy what you achieved before you are thinking about what comes next.

Eventually, achievement can become less about pleasure and more about avoiding the uncomfortable feeling of not being good enough. If your self-worth has quietly become connected to your performance, slowing down or making a mistake can begin to feel threatening in ways that other people may not understand.

Trying something different

Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean becoming careless or lowering every standard you have. Perhaps it begins with noticing where your standards are helping you and where they are hurting you.

The next time you find yourself repeatedly checking something that is already good, you might ask, “What am I afraid will happen if I leave this as it is?” If you make a mistake, notice the language you use with yourself. Would you speak to a colleague, friend or someone you respect in the same way?

You might also experiment occasionally with allowing something to be good enough. Send the email without reading it for the sixth time. Finish the task when it has met its purpose rather than when there is absolutely nothing left to improve. Allow somebody else to do something differently from you without immediately taking it back.

Then notice what comes up. It may feel uncomfortable. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have done something wrong. It may simply mean you are doing something unfamiliar.

Therapy can offer somewhere to become curious about where those expectations came from and why meeting them feels so important. The aim isn’t to take away your ambition, your care or your desire to do things well. It is to consider whether you can keep those parts of yourself without allowing every mistake, criticism or imperfect moment to become a judgement on your self-worth.